Monday, November 7, 2011

almost there

The months seem to be flying by lately, it seems like just yesterday we were in the middle of September, and now October is done and out of the way, which leads me to November.  I don't have very found memories of November, or an appreciation of the month at all.  It use to mean, fall, the changing of colors, the anticipation of Christmas.  Now I view the month has a reminder.  November 18th 2010, totally flipped our world upside down.  The world as we knew it changed and evolved in a way we were completely unprepared for.  Brinley was diagnosed with leukemia, and life as we knew it stopped, and a new life began. As the days tick on, I find it hard looking at pictures that I know were taken in the month prior to her diagnosis.  Our family had a lovely photo shoot in October, prior to her diagnosis, and looking back at those pictures, I can't help but think about how much she's changed.  Not just physically, but in the pictures you see a vibrant, happy go lucky little girl who would do anything to keep up with her older brother.  A tiny little girl who loved to dance, and never got tired of running and twirling about.  Looking at the pictures (and I do love them) makes me angry.  I feel robbed of the little girl I was raising, her personality has changed so much sometimes I can barely recognize her.  She has her moments, where in a little second she reviles a small part of who she was, but it's usually masked by the sickness that has been lingering in her system.  How awful to know and feel the things her body must feel.  I know when I had a stomach flu how weak and terrible, dizzy and foggy I felt...and that was only for a week.  But to have those feelings 90% of the time? To have to deal with that, and worse?  It breaks my heart.

We're coming up to our first year, and I don't feel happy, or relieved.  I feel dispare, nostalgic, and I have a pit sitting in my chest.  I've learned a lot in this year.  Most of which I have been able to store in my brain, and some that I have books of notes to keep track.  I have an expert when it comes to dealing with "Brin VS Leukemia" and I've  become to fellow warrior in this battle.  But I still miss the days when we were at peace.

There are still a few hurdles that I have to make, mainly in dealing with the anger and pain.  I don't expect it'll go away soon, each day I think it's gotten better and then one bad day ruins the process of healing a bit.  There are certain things that trigger my emotions, usually completely unexpected things that send me back, sometimes it's a smell, or a song, (21 Guns by Green Day, can't listen to it, it was playing on the radio Novembers 20th, it was my weekend to go home right after Brin had her first dose of chemo, and the lyrics still make me cry like a baby). 

The year mark is around the corner, it's coming, whether I want it to or not the "anniversary" wears on my mind.  I hate that I give a date so much power over me.  Maybe in years to come I'll be bale to take a little bit of that power back.


  1. Amazing how one little day in your life can change your life forever. A couple of words uttered from a doctor and your life is never the same again :You have come a long way since being told Brinley has cancer, the “new normal“ that is now your lives, has taken are a stronger person today , ready and willing to face whatever is placed before you. There are simply no words for the ache in my heart .for what ;you have all gone through.. It seems so unfair that, parents should lay awake at night asking the questions that I am sure have gone through your heads. My eyes burn with tears as I think of the pain you have all suffered the emotional and physical changes that have come about in the past year..,A year filled with so many ups and downs .Although the past year has been difficult, I feel you have so much hope for Brin’s future , so much to look forward to. Keep strong and stay positive and Know that the prayers for you and Brinley are echoed a thousand times over by family and friends here that loves all of you deeply. .

  2. Hi there, a long time since I saw a blog from you. I am so happy to hear
    you have a super duper new "team" and a house you have made a home,
    and a dog called Lou that you have added to the family.

    When I look back that this past year, I can only embrace the good, the
    hope, the courage, the good memories, a brave little girl, a stoic little
    brother, and wonderful parents, all of you putting on your best game face
    and coming through with flying colours....

    You can't change the past, so see it as a stepping stone into a new future, changed for sure, but a future. Building new memories, and
    even put a few goals and dream a little too, just stay positive and don't
    let that anger and sadness overcome that....let it out, take a deep
    breath and carry on.

    Snowing here right now....I bet you aren't missing that!! Take good
    care, love to all.....Pauline.