I still need her

...is only thing that comes to my brain when I'm faced with the fact that I may loose my mom.  She's been sick since November, and stuck in the hospital with no end in sight. She's been fighting for so long, and I'm terrified that she may be up against a losing battle, and her strength is depleting  My mom has Meningitis, to be specific, cryptococcal meningitis, which is fungal. She's been having problems for over a month now, this on going nausea, vertigo, forgetfulness. Here she's had this fungus progressing each day, infecting her central nervous system, and brain, which is now resulting in seizures, and memory loss. 

Last night it hit me like a ton of bricks, my biggest cheerleader, my off duty therapist may die. She may die before ever really hearing how much I love her, and it's not just something I can tell her over the phone, but something she can hear, absorb, feel, and understand. That her love and affection has molded me into who I am today. She's given me the tools to be a good mom, she's loved me when I wasn't lovable, she's held my hand through the toughest times in my life, and I'm terrified of losing that. I want her to understand how grateful I am to have her as my mom, how lucky and fortunate to have her in my life, even if it may only be for 30 years.  

And while I continue to hold my breath, and wait for the news, good or bad...all I can think is, "You can't go, I still need you."