Thursday, January 19, 2012

Burning out

Today was yet another milestone.  One I'm kind of takingg in quietly because I'm stuck in my own head lately. In a year from today, Brinley will be OT (off treatment.) The idea of off treatment worries me, it gives me crazy anxiety, and I literally feel sick.  I suppose I should be excited about not having to hit up the hospital every month, I should probably be at ease that treatment is over and we can resume what most would consider a normal life?  However off treatment takes on a whole new role inside my brain.  OT for me means no monthly check ups, and no blood counts to see how her body is responding or, isn't responding.  Again, I enter the world of unknown, and "what if"  it's a place I don't do well in. 

I have to admit, I was doing really good up until today.  Brin's appointment started off well, and when I was worried about her hemoglobin being down, I was surprised that it can actually went up! First time in 5 months since it's been over 9!(below 8 calls for a transfusion) What I wasn't prepared for was that her ANC dropped from 2400 to 516.  Which means in 2 weeks time we'll have to head back to the hospital for another CBC, and fingers crossed it'll go back up.  Hopefully before she catches something from herself..or someone else.  These are the days I spend worried and beating myself up, especially if something goes wrong. "Why did I let her play outside?" "I shouldn't have taken her to the movies" "maybe she caught something from the restaurant we had dinner at."  At the same time she might just float through and be just fine.  But I've been in this situation before, and it ended with 10 days of isolation in the hospital.  To add to the mess, Brinley has been battling a cold on and off for 5 months now, which has spurred her doctor into checking her immunoglobulin count (her IgG to be exact) to see if she even has the ability to fight this off once and for all.

So there is it, I'm totally running out of steam.  I'm so sick of dealing, and coping.  I realize I have no other choice in the matter, but I wish I did.  As my husband always says..."If you don't like it, fix it.  If you can't fix it, find a way to cope". I just feel like my coping abilities are wearing very thin...

5 comments:

  1. Morgan, you are doing all you can to provide a safe healthy enviroment. Please try to Take one Day at a Time.! I know it's difficult but Try not to make yourself sick over worrying about things before they happen,If sonething comes us you will need your strength to deal with it then.. Stay stong and healthy for your family, and enjoy every precious moment together! Change the things you can and accept the things you can't ! Lots of Love.

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  2. Morgan, you are doing all you can to provide a safe healthy enviroment. Please try to Take one Day at a Time.! I know it's difficult but Try not to make yourself sick over worrying about things before they happen,If sonething comes up you will need your strength to deal with it then.. Stay stong and healthy for your family, and enjoy every precious moment together! Change the things you can and accept the things you can't ! Lots of Love.

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  3. Morgan, stop beating yourself up, most of what you are doing is coming
    naturally and through your love, then there is the stuff forced upon you,
    and once again you are doing a tremendous job. Are you sick and tired
    of it all , yes....you can be honest, you want it all to go away, go back,
    change, whatever, you just feel its enough.

    As you know you can't go back, but you can go forward, and if, right
    now you need to pause and lash out and vent your frustration, anger
    and just the being fed up of it all, then do it too, then move forward.

    Allow yourself a little to be mad, upset, so frustrated and even scared.
    But you have already proved that you can and will move forward, taking
    it one day at a time, even down to an hour at a time. Make a list,
    put the good on one side and the bad on the other. I think you will be
    really surprised at how that "good" outweighs the bad.

    It's January, we all have the blues, the third Monday in the month is
    actually proven to be the most depressing day of the whole year...
    we all succumb to it. I don't have the load you are carrying, but I
    feel a bit down and out too.

    So take it as just a "hiccup", let yourself have a bit of a moan,
    down day, even a bad day, even a week...you are allowed, and hopefully soon
    you will awake one morning and think, okay, game face is back on,
    let's do it!!!

    love and hugs.....Pauline

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  4. You are definitely who I look up to in the mommy department. I have no idea how I would keep myself together as well as you have! Brinley is such a strong little girl and I hope things keep looking up for her. She's a fighter and so his her family. :) <3

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