This can't be real

I was never the bitter, angry person, its never been in my nature to lash out, or rage against...anything. I have always pictured myself, calm and collect, level headed, and rational.

I feel like I'm going to flip my fucking lid.

Today I was blind sided (yet again, because once, twice, three times doesn't seem to be enough). Brinley's oncologist called our house. She's never called before, usually it's Brinley's nurse Kate, so it took me a few minutes of hearing her voice over the phone to realize who I was speaking with.  It's really too bad I paused for so long to figure this out, because by the time I had caught up with the conversation, I had missed a few things that we're said, and right around the time my brain clicked I heard, "Morgan, Brinley has blast cells in her spinal fluid"...wait...what?

"What does that mean?" (I know what it means, but I'm lost in translation) It means that Brinley is showing significant signs of relapse. (I can't breathe, I can't feel my legs).

As it turns out, during Tuesday's lumbar puncture, as per usual they take a sample of spinal fluid and test it for cancer cells, because as we all know, cancer likes to hide in the spinal fluid. Unfortunately Brinley tested positive. Her labs where then sent off to pathology, who confirmed what could be the beginning of our new nightmare. They are indeed blast cells. This is when her doctor picks the phone up and tells me it's time to brace myself. During the conversation half of  my brain is screaming "wait, wait wait, I'm not ready, I'm not processing this" and the other half is encouraging my lungs to breathe in air.  Pathology has now sent the sample to genetic "something" (I missed that because all I could hear was my heart), and depending on if they can get an answer off of the cells provided, we should know whats going on soon. But if not, I'm on high alert, looking for signs, the same signs we seen when she originally was sick, vomiting  fever, headaches etc. It's hard to separate all of this, she did just have chemo, so the side effects of that are still raging through her body. Because she had chemo, she will have to wait a month, and then at that time they will perform another lumbar puncture, and a bone marrow aspiration.   I asked Kate, what the odds were that this was just nothing, some fluke cells, an error if you will. She said that she's never seen a case where that has happened (not so that that it HASN'T), but just that she's never seen it for herself. She said that most cases of relapse start off this way, a few cells in the spinal fluid, then it progresses.

Progresses...great.

I told Brinley that instead of celebrating her off treatment with her clinic party, she will have to undergo another surgery...you know what she said? "YES! WOO!" ...I could learn a few things from this child. I told her that they think her cancer might have come back, which means new port, hair loss, sickness etc, she told me that she was strong once before, and now she knows how to be strong again. So in any case she feels ready to tackle this again. 

I don't feel ready, but I know for a fact I can do this again, I know I can be strong for my baby. I don't waiver when it comes to my strength, but it's not fair. It's not fair she has to endure this again. All I want, is for her to be a happy HEALTHY 6 year old...but this is what Brinley knows best, nothing changes as far as she's concerned. 

Until then, I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for an error, but prepare my heart for another long battle. 

Carter giving his sister a snuggle after telling him about the given situation