Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Today sucks.

Not sure what else to say, other than today just sucks.  I keep telling myself I have 4 days left, thats it...but things have taking an insane turn in the last 24 hours.  Brinley is full effect of the steroids, she has two 2.1mL doses a day and everyday her cravings, and moods get worse.  Yesterday afternoon watching her eat made me nearly sick and so stressed out.  She had 3 bowls of soup, two tacos, 2 flour tortillas, half of a ukranian sausage ring, apple sauce, bowl of grapes, popcorn, and rice.  YES from 3pm-7pm she ate NON STOP.  What's heartbreaking is that she eats so much she cries because her tummy hurts.  My little tiny petite girl literally looks like she has gained 40-50 lbs. They did a weight check last thursday and she was only 36lbs, but she is MASSIVE.  And to be honest I don't care about that, I just hate that she has these awful tummy aches because she's feeding the steriod.  It's bad enough that she can barely walk up the stairs because her legs are so weak, and her hair is falling out, or that she's so exhausted she just moves from the couch to the bed thats it, but she her tummy hurts so bad because she is literally gorging herself on everything in sight. 

I hate this.

The nurses said once she's off of the dexamethasone (4 days left) she will be back to normal eating habits, and all of her puffiness will go away in a week. But then the dexamethasone thing will probably look like a walk in the park compared to what she's up against next step. 

So welcome to the next 2 and a half years Morgan.

Today sucks, and I'm finally going to say it. Today, I'm not ok.


  1. You don't have to be ok. You are 100% allowed NOT to be ok and you don't have to feel guilty about it! Let yourself be....sad, angry, upset, overwhelmed, happy, pissed off, elated....just be what your body is telling you to be. You are only human. It's hard to remember that sometimes when you are being super Mom and trying to do it all and be everything for everyone. But you have to allow yourself the time you need to feel what you are feeling. It's normal and healthy and you are free to feel....
    Today you are not ok. Today, you are brave for saying it out loud and allowing the feeling to come over you. xo

  2. Sending lots of loving thoughts your way. Whenever you'd like to pick them up from your front door is fine! :)