Thursday, February 17, 2011

Dear: subconscious mind...

I've never realize how terrified I am of relapse until recently.  I wake up shaking, crying and in absolutely panic.  I have dreams that Brinley relapses, and there is nothing our doctors can do, and somehow it's my fault because in my dreams I forget to give her this medication that I'm completely unaware of.  Relapse has always been in the back of my mind, or so I thought, I understand it is a reality I may, or may not have to deal with.  Just one of the curves this illness throws you, it happens, and you deal with it.  But I've never really sat down and noticed how intensely I'm afraid of relapse, of failure, and letting go. 

I love hearing, "you can't think like that", "don't say things like that", yes I can say, and think things like that because this is what I could potentially face, being naive doesn't change that . And I don't dwell on it, but this is my life people, this is my reality, these are things I never dreamed of contemplating.  This is as real as it gets.

Sorry, I know it seems like a rant, and I don't mean for it to, but I'm being as open and honest as I possibley can. In doing that I can't be afraid I might offend someone views. If I do, I'm sorry.

Anyways, back to my subconscious mind -  knock it off, I hear you loud and clear.

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