Tuesday, January 25, 2011

too much

Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and frustrated.  Not so much with cancer, well OK a little, but I'm getting ahead of myself here.  Blake started work in august for a company called matrikon, matrikon was bought out by Honeywell in June, and the take over started in January.  With that comes a whole new ball of wax of expectations, goals that need to be met, and some of those goals seem absolutely unobtainable. I worry about the stability of my family which is so important and precious to us right now, I worry about my husband being stressed out over his job, and working himself stupid about business deals, and sales. I can only guess what will happen if these goals are not met, which scares the crap out of me.

Brinley getting her dose of chemo through her IVAD
Brinley has her good days and bad days, I've noticed more and more of her hair falling out as the days go on.  Her eye lashes and eye brows are falling out, and the little hairs on the back of her neck that I use to love to blow on to watch her squirm are no longer there.  There are times where she is wired with energy and there are times where her legs are so wobbly and weak that she has to crawl around the house, or be carried.  I watch her go up the stairs and she's unsteady and requires the help of an adult, or the railing, there are times where she loses muscle control and falls to the ground.  Unlike a trip, or a stumble, it's as if her legs have turned to gel and she just crumbles.  Her appetite is another thing I worry about, she is now 32 lbs, and doesn't eat much of anything.  Next Monday we will meet with a nutritionist to see what we can do about keeping her weight stable, so she can stop losing so much.  She will also have another heavy dose of chemo, 50g higher than the last dose.  This weekend while taking her antibiotic she projected all over the couch, I called the doctor and he told me to hold off on it until he seen us again.  He said there was another method, it involved daily doses instead of the, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday dose.  Typically with septra, there is no way around the taste of the need to vomit, the medication is very hard on the stomach, leaving the toughest adult doubled over sick to their stomach.

Needless to say I'm a wreck this week. In a constant state of "what if". Maybe I just need a good night sleep, maybe I need something more.


  1. I am so sorry that you are having a rotten week, and that you own up to it. You cannot be everything to everyone Morgan, you are doing the best you
    can and hopefully a good night's sleep will help. Just go by the hour, more than the day, little steps this week until you feel a little stronger. Try not to take it all on your shoulders....Blake will be okay, he is a good man and
    will do his best, that is all any of us can do. Talk to him, share your feelings and together you will get over this hurdle.......hoping little Brin
    can get some nutrition in, which stays in....fingers crossed for all of you.
    Auntie P.

  2. You are an amazing Mum Morgan. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Your little girl sounds like a fighter and she will fight to become a dancer again soon. I am glad you are somewhere where the health care is so good. Your Mom and Dad are amazing people and their love and support will surround you forever.

    Take care of yourself....so you can take care of your precious family.

  3. You need a BIG HUG!! You have done an amazing job handling all the curves life has thrown your way!! Cheer up, stay strong , the sun will come out tomorrow!