These are my thoughts, struggles, and cherished moments as I carry my family through childhood cancer.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and frustrated. Not so much with cancer, well OK a little, but I'm getting ahead of myself here. Blake started work in august for a company called matrikon, matrikon was bought out by Honeywell in June, and the take over started in January. With that comes a whole new ball of wax of expectations, goals that need to be met, and some of those goals seem absolutely unobtainable. I worry about the stability of my family which is so important and precious to us right now, I worry about my husband being stressed out over his job, and working himself stupid about business deals, and sales. I can only guess what will happen if these goals are not met, which scares the crap out of me.
Brinley getting her dose of chemo through her IVAD
Brinley has her good days and bad days, I've noticed more and more of her hair falling out as the days go on. Her eye lashes and eye brows are falling out, and the little hairs on the back of her neck that I use to love to blow on to watch her squirm are no longer there. There are times where she is wired with energy and there are times where her legs are so wobbly and weak that she has to crawl around the house, or be carried. I watch her go up the stairs and she's unsteady and requires the help of an adult, or the railing, there are times where she loses muscle control and falls to the ground. Unlike a trip, or a stumble, it's as if her legs have turned to gel and she just crumbles. Her appetite is another thing I worry about, she is now 32 lbs, and doesn't eat much of anything. Next Monday we will meet with a nutritionist to see what we can do about keeping her weight stable, so she can stop losing so much. She will also have another heavy dose of chemo, 50g higher than the last dose. This weekend while taking her antibiotic she projected all over the couch, I called the doctor and he told me to hold off on it until he seen us again. He said there was another method, it involved daily doses instead of the, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday dose. Typically with septra, there is no way around the taste of the need to vomit, the medication is very hard on the stomach, leaving the toughest adult doubled over sick to their stomach.
Needless to say I'm a wreck this week. In a constant state of "what if". Maybe I just need a good night sleep, maybe I need something more.