Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I hate cancer.

Today my little light lost her hair.  It started to fall out little by little this week, and by today it was by the handfuls.  She would lay on the couch and within minutes of laying there, watching tv a bald spot would form.  I would run my hands through her hair and nearly pulled out all of the hair in the front.  I thought I was ready for this.

After debating, blowing the fallen hair out of her eyes, picking the hair out of her mouth we decided to shave it off.  I took her into the bathroom and let her see her hair, we had been telling her it was falling out, but she really had no idea the extent.  She took one look and completely crumbled.  I watched her put her hands on the glass and turn her head from side to side, investigating each bald spot that had formed over the course of the day.  She started to cry and was frantically rubbing the tears away as if to "toughen up" so they came silently.  My heart just broke for her.  She sat down on the counter and cried when I took the clippers to her, I asked her if she wanted me to stop, and she shook her head.  Now she won't even look at herself in the mirror.

Brinley later came downstairs and sat on the couch.  Carter being the awesome big brother, sat by her, and then I heard him whisper, "you're still beautiful Brinley"  And then I lost it.  Pent up anger, frustration, sadness, heartbreak.  I hate this disease, I hate cancer.  I hate every second of this.  I hate the bad days, and I hate that the "good days" can't compare to the "good days" she had when she wasn't sick.  I hate that my baby's blood has this vile monster floating around inside, and if I could somehow, put her back inside me to heal her, I would.

I get that it's only "hair loss" but it's so symbolic and in your face.  It throws you back into the brutal reality of what you're really dealing with. Sure you have good days that aren't met with puking, bone pain, hair loss, no appetite, too much appetite, bruises, irritability...but this has become "normal" for us and it's mind boggling.  How did we get here?!

I'm done, I'm a train wreck tonight and I need some sleep.

Tomorrow I'm off to take Brinley to her promised mani and pedi...


  1. Morgan, this post put me to tears. I can't imagine the fear, sadness and confusion she must be feeling. My heart breaks for her having to go through this. And what an amazing little man you have to say that to his sister. It is remarkable what a beautiful and caring little soul he is. He makes me proud of him and ive never even met him. You've done great! Im thinking of you!

  2. Oh Morgan, I'm bawling at the computer. I am just so sad for all of you that you are having to deal with this. Words just can't express it. I understand what you mean by saying you want the good days to outweigh the bad, but I can't imagine how they can some days, when everything seems to be falling apart. My heart is completely broken for you. I know people are here supporting you and your family and that's wonderful, but it doesn't take all the shitty stuff away, no matter how much love you have. Carter is amazing. You both have obviously done an incredible job of parenting if that sweet little boy is doing all he can to comfort his little sister. Nothing is more important than having a friend in your sibling. Brinley is a lucky little girl to have such a caring older brother.
    If there is anything I can do...I will. I'll come up there and take you out for lunch or just sit and let you cry on my shoulder. You just say the word. I'm here.

  3. Morgan, we are crying with you, this is a very tough day. My keyboard
    is soaked here. What is it about the hair? It seems to be the "worst" thing for a lot of cancer patients I have known. I think that maybe it is the most obvious sign, that yes, you really do have cancer.

    Brinley has been so amazing and so courageous, toughening up and
    trying not to cry, but how can she not, this is so hard for her now.
    Even though she knew it would happen, reality is very different.

    I am glad though she cried, and that you did too, maybe this will now be
    the turning point. Okay, the hair is gone, they said it would be, so now
    we concentrate on the going back up the ladder.....

    My heart is so heavy for you, yet pure moments such as Carter's, how touching is that - what an amazing kid you have. And that puts a
    spark back and hopefully re-light that fire within you, moment by moment, don't give up, it is time to carry on Morgan, you
    can do this...and of course Carter is right, she IS and always will be
    beautiful. What is now so obvious Morgan is, that you are all amazing and beautiful from the inside out, this alone, will get you through. Big hugs for you all.

  4. Hugs Mama! It is tough and it sucks! Hugs!