These are my thoughts, struggles, and cherished moments as I carry my family through childhood cancer.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I hate cancer.
Today my little light lost her hair. It started to fall out little by little this week, and by today it was by the handfuls. She would lay on the couch and within minutes of laying there, watching tv a bald spot would form. I would run my hands through her hair and nearly pulled out all of the hair in the front. I thought I was ready for this.
After debating, blowing the fallen hair out of her eyes, picking the hair out of her mouth we decided to shave it off. I took her into the bathroom and let her see her hair, we had been telling her it was falling out, but she really had no idea the extent. She took one look and completely crumbled. I watched her put her hands on the glass and turn her head from side to side, investigating each bald spot that had formed over the course of the day. She started to cry and was frantically rubbing the tears away as if to "toughen up" so they came silently. My heart just broke for her. She sat down on the counter and cried when I took the clippers to her, I asked her if she wanted me to stop, and she shook her head. Now she won't even look at herself in the mirror.
Brinley later came downstairs and sat on the couch. Carter being the awesome big brother, sat by her, and then I heard him whisper, "you're still beautiful Brinley" And then I lost it. Pent up anger, frustration, sadness, heartbreak. I hate this disease, I hate cancer. I hate every second of this. I hate the bad days, and I hate that the "good days" can't compare to the "good days" she had when she wasn't sick. I hate that my baby's blood has this vile monster floating around inside, and if I could somehow, put her back inside me to heal her, I would.
I get that it's only "hair loss" but it's so symbolic and in your face. It throws you back into the brutal reality of what you're really dealing with. Sure you have good days that aren't met with puking, bone pain, hair loss, no appetite, too much appetite, bruises, irritability...but this has become "normal" for us and it's mind boggling. How did we get here?!
I'm done, I'm a train wreck tonight and I need some sleep.
Tomorrow I'm off to take Brinley to her promised mani and pedi...