It's just cancer

Yesterday was a tough one.  I woke up with high anxiety and my nerves jumping all over the place.  My plan was to clean the house, but because my nerves were jumping all over the place I just paced around the house.

At noon I took Brinley to get her brother a new pair of rain boots and some groceries and while we were doing that she decided she wanted to cut her hair off.  I asked her why and she said it was getting into her food and mouth and it "taste yuck".  Plus the back is all broken off and it looks silly she said.  So I had her call her dad on the phone and ask him if she could cut her hair, Blake told her he wasn't sure if it was a good idea, and then she started crying.  Clearly she wanted this.  So I sat her down on the chair and the lady clipped away, Brinley was thrilled.

I of course had a hard time with it, and I understand that it's "just hair" but it's the significance behind it.  I wouldn't have to cut her hair off if it wasn't falling out in her food and on her face.  Her hair wouldn't be falling out if she didn't have chemo every week, and she wouldn't need chemotherapy if she didn't have cancer.  So when I hear "big deal, it's just hair" I hear "big deal it's just cancer".

My mom is coming on Saturday, and I am so relieved.  She just had a 5 year check up on her kidney which included a biopsy so there won't be any heavy lifting for mom.  However she will be here to send Carter to school and welcome him home which is exactly what I need in the up coming weeks.  I'm definitely looking forward to her visit.

Tomorrow Brinley will have the last of her doxo drip and she will have vincristine as well.The following week she will go in and have blood work done, and then if everything is good we will start ara-c, IV cylco, TTA, IT MTX on the 14th. I'm hoping after this doxo dose her counts will recover enough so there is no set back, but I'm also aware that it possible to have several set backs in DI due to bad counts.  Guess we'll have to wait and see.