The Ugly Reality

Today is day 19 out of 57, which means she have a little over a month of this crap.  Brinley has been pretty sick this week.  I mean technically she's been "sick" for 6 months, but we rarely get a peek at how sick she can be.  Sure she throws up, and has bone pain, but other than that she has been a trooper.  She's been very happy-go-lucky through treatments, and even when she's not well, she's still laughing and smiling.

 That came to a halt a week ago.  I notice her complexion is grayish, her eyes are dark and tired, she's sluggish and dealing with a lot of fatigue.  We went for breakfast Sunday morning and she climbed on my lap and snuggled in and tried to sleep for the duration for breakfast. She's always cold and requires no less than 3 blankets to lay down with.  It's weeks like this when it the realization that your child has cancer slams into you like a ton of bricks.  We've had "happy Brinley" for so long that we kind of forget the disease she is battling, a few weeks ago her color was good, she was laughing and playing, running around like a normal kid, and now she wears the look of a "sick kid".  I can tell her body is worn out, her energy is drained, she tries to nap and re coop but she's struggling this week. It's safe to say this is when my anxiety is at its highest.  Every time I hear her on the monitor, whether she's whimpering in her sleep, calling for me, or letting out a sigh, I notice my heart is about to jump out of my chest. It makes sleeping very difficult because I'm usually woken up by the smallest noise she makes, and it takes me a while to get back to sleep because my nerves are so on edge.

 Thursday she will have blood counts done, first time in 3 weeks, and we'll see where she's at and if she can start her chemo on the 18th.  I'm hoping it'll be high enough, but I have my doubts, and then again every time I have my doubts, it turns out fine.  I guess it's better than thinking everything is fine and being crushed by the reality that it's not? 

Oh a lighter happier note, I went out this weekend for a girls night out.  Man did I need it!  Nine of my wonderful lady friends and myself went out for drinks and dancing, and we had so many drinks that even the "not dancers" were dancing at the end of the night.  It was great fun filled night of dancing, laughing, pushing through the dance floor to get to the washroom only to realize that someone on the dance floor had very very bad gas?!  Needless to say I definitely needed a night out like that, I paid for it in the morning, but every second was worth it.